Author: Jonathan Schwarz

Fantastic:

Some senior administration officials still relish the notion of a direct confrontation. One ambassador in Washington said he was taken aback when John Hannah, Vice President Cheney’s national security adviser, said during a recent meeting that the administration considers 2007 “the year of Iran” and indicated that a U.S. attack was a real possibility. Hannah declined to be interviewed for this article.

John Hannah replaced Scooter Libby as Cheney’s national security adviser when Libby resigned. He also was a primary author of the case on Iraq that Cheney’s staff wanted Colin Powell to use at the UN, but Powell threw out as crap. And given what Powell did use, that must have been some pretty crappy crap.

(Thanks to Seth Ackerman for pointing this out.)

“Over the Cliff with George and Dick” by Tom Engelhardt

“Palestine, Bush’s Other Civil War” by Seth Ackerman

“Helping Israel Die” by Ray McGovern

NEW YORK—New York Times Executive Editor Bill Keller today announced that the paper’s longtime staff writer Michael Gordon is not an actual person, but rather a voice-activated tape recorder.

“I’m not sure why everyone didn’t figure this out before now,” said Keller, pointing to the fact that, in Gordon’s 26-year career, all of “his” stories have consisted entirely of transcribed statements by anonymous government officials.

According to Jill Abramson, the paper’s Managing Editor, Gordon was purchased for $27.95 at a Radio Shack on West 43rd Street. Describing the situation as “a prank” that had “gotten slightly out of hand,” Abramson said the paper had decided to acknowledge Gordon’s identity because—after the tape recorder’s front page story today, “Deadliest Bomb in Iraq Is Made by Iran, U.S. Says”—there “was no place left to take the joke.”

Keller described how he and Abramson “really had a good laugh” while preparing the Iran story, which is based on the following sourcing:

U.S. Says…United States intelligence asserts…reflects broad agreement among American intelligence agencies…civilian and military officials from a broad range of government agencies provided…military officials say…The officials said…The assessment was described in interviews over the past several weeks with American officials…Administration officials said…according to the intelligence…According to American intelligence…Some American intelligence experts believe…they assert…notes a still-classified American intelligence report…a senior administration official said…according to Western officials…Officials said…An American intelligence assessment described to The New York Times said…Other officials believe…American military officers say…American officials say…According to American intelligence agencies…Assessments by American intelligence agencies say…Marine officials say…American intelligence agencies are concerned…Gen. Peter Pace, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said last week.

“You can’t deny that’s funny,” said Keller, adding that the lack of skepticism displayed by Gordon was “literally inhuman.” Keller and Abramson asserted that the Iran article is “even more hilarious” than Gordon’s 2002 stories on Iraq’s purported nuclear program, written with Judith Miller.

According to the paper’s management, the Times plans to keep the tape recorder on its staff indefinitely, given that it does not require health insurance and its voice-activation feature “saves a lot of tape.” Indeed, the tape recorder formerly known as Michael Gordon has already filed its own story on the matter, consisting entirely of transcribed statements from anonymous government officials.

In the Washingon Post:

With the aim of shaking Tehran’s commitment to its nuclear program, Bush also approved last fall secret operations to target Iranian influence in southern Lebanon, in western Afghanistan, in the Palestinian territories and inside Iran.

I’m so pleased the president is finally going to “target Iranian influence” inside Iran. For too long we’ve sat here doing nothing while Iran hatches more and more nefarious schemes to influence itself. But finally we have a leader who understands we have to stop this. It’s a simple matter of self-defense!

BUT SERIOUSLY: The U.S. is almost certainly doing things within Iran that would cause us to invade any country doing them to us—such as supporting separatist groups engaging in terrorism.

This week the History Channel is running something called “Iran: The Next Iraq?”:

For over 25 years, “Death to America” has been the rallying cry of the Iranian government, but it’s only recently that the threat has become chillingly real and the Islamic Republic of Iran has emerged as perhaps the most clear and present danger to American security. This special will explore the once proud military tradition of Iran, its recent decline in power, and the country’s struggle to gain a place among the world’s super powers. We will also examine evidence that shows Iran is secretly pursuing a nuclear weapon and just may intend to use on the United States or its allies.

I really appreciate the title. Is Iran the next Iraq? Is it a country that poses zero threat to the United States that we’ll attack anyway? Will Americans be persuaded to support such an attack by crappy Soviet-style propaganda on the History Channel?

(Thanks to Sam Husseini for the tip.)