Author: Greg Saunders

In the episode “Relationship Ripcord” of the brilliant, but canceled sitcom “Andy Richter Controls the Universe”, Andy and his friends eavesdrop on the therapy sessions of a woman who’s attracted to dumpy, plain-looking guys, but breaks up with them whenever they say “I love you”. Knowing this, Andy starts a relationship with the commitment-phobic chubby-chaser, gushing that he can have all the fun he wants and end the relationship at any time, guilt-free by just saying he loves her.

Having just seen the news that Peter Pace is suddenly stepping down, I can’t help but wonder if working for George Bush works in a similar way. Except in this case, instead “I love you” (which gets you a Supreme Court nomination), the only thing you’d have to say to leave the administration is “Iraq is an unwinnable quagmire and it’s all your fault.” That’s the way it seems to have worked for the majority of the generals that leave.

Having failed to find a Presidential candidate conservative enough to please the wingnuts, the GOP is looking to resort to their other surefire election winner : voting for some famous dude. Since it worked for Reagan, Schwarzenegger, Bono, the Republican starfuckers are setting their sights on a new celebrity, Fred Thompson. Here’s what his ads should look like :

On a side note, have you guys noticed that everything with the “As Seen on TV” logo tends to look cool in ads, but ends up being an overpriced piece of junk that doesn’t work as well as advertised?

That phrase should be familiar to our CEO President and should be repeated every time the subject of a “war czar” comes up. Is the job of overseeing the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan something you’re too busy to do, Mr. President? Do we need to reorganize your priorities so you aren’t distracted by less important things? Perhaps we should hire a “photo-ops with boy scout troops” czar to take some of the Presidential busy-work off your plate. That way you don’t have to waste our time and money trying to hire a middle-man that will only serve as a bottleneck between our troops and their Commander-in-Chief. If you really need someone else to take over some of the responsibilities of you and the Secretary of Defense, then give us a good explanation of why you’re unable to adequately do your job and why adding another layer of bureaucracy will make things better.

Jerry Falwell has died. Tammy Faye, who has suffered from cancer for almost ten years, is doing so poorly that she’s unlikely to live much longer. On her website she wrote “I am down weight wise to 65 pounds, and look like a scarecrow. I need God’s miracle to swallow.” These two giants of televangelism, whose paths have crossed in the past, seemed to have differing interpretations of what it meant to be a “Christian”. From Falwell’s obituary :

Falwell has found himself at the center of several controversies, such as the one sparked by his comments two days after the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks in which he seemed to blame “abortionists,” gays, lesbians, the ACLU and People for American Way for causing the attacks, saying they “helped this happen.”

From Tammy Faye’s Wikipedia entry :

During the PTL shows, she provided a sentimental touch to stories and loved to sing. In a move that sharply distinguished her from other televangelists, she showed a more tolerant attitude when it came to homosexuals, and she featured people living with AIDS on PTL, urging her viewers to follow Christ and show sympathy and pray for the sick.

I know whose death I’ll be mourning more.

I’ve been saying for years that those Ataris and Nintendos are the cause of violence, but you fools weren’t listening. Now the video game threat has reached our shores :

F-B-I agents say one of the six men accused of planning a shooting spree at Fort Dix conducted surveillance at several military installations.

According to a complaint, nearby Lakehurst Naval Air Station, Dover Air Force Base in Delaware and a Coast Guard building on Delaware Avenue in Philadelphia were cased in August 2006.

The F-B-I says it also tailed the suspect to Fort Monmouth.

Prosecutors say the suspect told an informant he settled on Dix because co-defendant Serdar Tatar delivered pizza to the post for Super Mario’s Pizza Restaurant in New Hanover Township.

From what sources are telling me, the Fort Dix terrorists were dangerously close to getting their hands on advanced flame-throwing technology.

Thank goodness we’ve got a President willing to use cheat codes to keep us safe.