David Brooks’ latest excursion into banality starts off with a Wacky Premise: since liberals and conservatives favor different media outlets, why, they might as well fly different airlines too!
As you might expect, much zaniness ensues.
The experience of flying on Liberal Air will be different than flying on normal airlines, and the company will be structured in different ways. For example, the frequent flier program will reward customers the less they fly, just to make things even. Airfares will be symbolic, since everything is paid for by George Soros. Pilots, who look disturbingly like Arlo Guthrie, will greet passengers at the door of the plane to apologize for the oil they are about to consume.
George Soros! Arlo Guthrie! You’ll have to excuse me for a moment as I pull myself off the floor, where I have fallen, overcome by spasms of sheer hilarity.
The planes themselves will be designed by a really interesting fuselage cooperative in Oregon. Seating will be divided between coach class, working class (mostly screenwriters in flannel shirts) and faculty.
Oregon! Flannel shirts! Screenwriters! Stop — you’re killing me!
In addition, pilots will provide a running travel commentary over the P.A. system (“Ladies and gentlemen, if you glance out of the left side of the aircraft, you’ll be able to look down on the people of Kansas”), and there will be encounter sessions for Democrats who know in their heads they had to go with Kerry but who now miss the excitement of Dean.
Ha ha! Those elitist liberals, always looking down on the midwest!
And just when you think it can’t get any crazier, Brooks aims his laser sharp wit at his comrades on the right!
All Right Wing Express flights will leave exactly on time, though for national security reasons the pilots will not reveal the identity of the destination cities. The Hummer-brand planes will have ample headroom for big-hair ladies, dozens of pews with easy access to the putting greens, and drop-down TV monitors, which will show libido-crushing abstinence education videos. There will also be ample bathroom facilities for heterosexuals of both genders.
Right Wing Express flights will not only land at airports, they will occupy airports. Passengers might sometimes find the flight attendants a tad abrasive (“You want me on that wall. You need me on that wall . . .”), but the cigarettes will be free and plentiful, and each passenger will be greeted with an appropriately conservative mantra, “Welcome to Right Wing Express, how can I help you help yourself?”
Hummer planes! Abstinence videos! Putting greens! Whoosh! I haven’t laughed this hard since the last time I watched the Dennis Miller show!
The rest of us in this funny-joke-making business might as well just pack it in. We have met our match.