Bush Gives Christ SCOTUS Nod
Monday, November 21, 2005WASHINGTON (AP) – Reeling from the rebuke he received over the nomination of Harriet Miers, George Bush nominated former carpenter Jesus Harold Christ today to the nation’s highest court. “I’ve been saying for years now that he’s my favorite philosopher,” the President remarked, “so I think the American people will be proud when they get to know J.C.’s judicial philosophicalness.”
Bush called on the Senate to “review every aspect of Jesus’ qualifications fairly and with haste. It’s important that we get an up-down vote on this nomination by the end of the year”.
Holy Nomination Deemed Controversial
Wednesday, November 23, 2005WASHINGTON (NYT) – Despite being the figurehead of one of the world’s largest religions, the nomination of Jesus Christ to replace Sandra Day O’Connor on the Supreme Court is getting a mixed reaction on the Hill from Democrats — and Republicans.
“Who is this guy?”, universally-beloved maverick John McCain asked reporters. “I find it hard to believe that this guy has gone thirty-three years without ever taking a stand on Roe v. Wade.”
In an off-the record interview with the Times, Senator Chuck Schumer added “He seems like a nice guy, but I’ll need to see what comes out during the conformation process before making any decisions”.
Conservatives Revolt Over Jesus
Tuesday, December 6, 2005WASHINGTON (UPI) – In a strong blow to President Bush, conservative activists have rallied against the nomination of Jesus Christ to the Supreme Court.
“We were promised a strict constructionist,” television panhandler Pat Robertson told reporters. “We don’t know anything about his views on gay marriage, stem cells, or any other important issues. God-fearing Christians like me who gave this President the White House deserve to know where this nominee stands.”
The Christ nomination is seen as the latest rebuke for a President who, in recent weeks, has seen a stock market crash, the execution of top aides for treason, and the flooding of New Orleans by Hurricanes Katrina, Rita, and Gamma.
Bush Seeks Support Over Court Pick
Monday, December 12, 2005CRAWFORD (Reuters) – Interrupting his nine-week holiday break, the President sought to ease conservative concerns over his increasingly controversial pick for the Supreme Court.
“I know his heart,” Bush reassured his supporters,” and he knows mine. After all, he lives in it.”
Speaking Sunday on Meet The Press, Senate Judiciary Chairman Arlen Specter remained skeptical. “I haven’t seen anything to convince me that Jesus will faithfully interpret the constitution. Raising the dead and turning water into wine may be neat party tricks, but the American people deserve more.”
Documents Reveal Softer Side of Nominee
Friday, December 16, 2005WASHINGTON (AP) – In a development that Senate Judiciary staffers described as “troubling”, the White House today released a pile of documents in an attempt to bolster its nomination of Jesus Christ to the nation’s top court.
“The meek shall inherit the Earth? Turn the other cheek? I don’t think we can afford a Supreme Court justice who’s weak on terror,” a top Republican official said.
Though short on judicial experience, the documents reveal a nominee with a long career dedicated to helping the poor, comforting the afflicted, and spreading the word of god.
“He might as well have nominated Robin Hood,” joked one GOP leader. “Christ’s dedication to redistributing wealth puts him far outside the mainstream. He’s an extremist in the Souter/Kennedy mold.”
Group Runs Ad Urging Jesus Filibuster
Monday, December 19, 2005WASHINGTON (Reuters) – Putting the nomination of Jesus in further danger, the conservative group Christians Against Christ began airing ads today urging Senate Republicans to filibuster the upcoming Supreme Court confirmation hearings.
Transcript of C.A.C. ad, “Who is this Jesus?”
ANNOUNCER : Liberal Democrats in the Senate agree on the nomination of Jesus Christ.
[begin video]
SEN. SCHUMER : He seems like a nice guy –
[end video}ANNOUNCER : What do they know that we don’t? We can’t have another liberal activist on the Supreme Court. Call your Senator today and tell them to filibuster Jesus. America deserves better.
Bush Remains Confident On Nominee
Friday, December 23, 2005WASHINGTON (AP) – Speaking via teleconference at a birthday party for his embattled Supreme Court pick, the President reiterated his support for Jesus Christ. “Jesus has a great heart,” Bush said. ” and I know that he’ll be the same person in twenty years that he is today.”
Seeking to quell criticism over leaked memos that reveal opposition to the death penalty, Administration officials publicly rallied behind Christ, but questions remain about whether or not Christ will be able to make it out of the Senate Judiciary committee.
“People are worried around here,” a White House aide told reporters. “Let’s pretend that we decided to change our minds about this Jesus nomination…not that we are, ummm…do you have any ideas??”
Decrying Pharisees, Christ Withdraws Nomination
Monday, December 26, 2005WASHINGTON (AP) – In a letter to the President today, Supreme Court nominee Jesus H. Christ withdrew his nomination. Though it had become increasingly clear that Jesus lacked the votes in the Senate needed to be confirmed, Bush had as recently as this weekend reaffirmed his support for Christ.
Speaking out against the hypocrisy of his critics, Jesus wrote to the President “Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?”
Pressed for a comment at his Crawford ranch, the President asked “Jesus who?”
Bumper sticker for our time
From a suggestion by reader Michael D.
Why?
My friend Mike Luckovich asks the only relevant question.
The waiting game
With charges expected as early as Wednesday, federal officials investigating the exposure of CIA operative Valerie Plame conducted last-minute interviews with her neighbors and associates of Karl Rove and other top White House aides, lawyers said on Tuesday.
Marc Lefkowitz, who lives across the street from Plame, told Reuters two FBI agents asked him on Monday if he knew about Plame’s CIA work before her identity was leaked to the press in 2003. Lefkowitz said he told them: “I didn’t know.”
Two lawyers involved in the case said such questioning could indicated that prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald intended to charge administration officials for the leak itself, in addition to possible charges for easier-to-prove crimes like perjury and obstruction of justice.
If you’ve followed this story as reflected in the crazy funhouse mirror world of the right wing we-create-our-own-reality circuit, you know that everyone already knew that Valerie Plame was married to Joe Wilson, why it’s in Who’s Who for chrissakes.
In other words, as I’ve mentioned a time or two, the righties have been trying to conflate knowledge of Valerie Plame’s existence on the planet Earth with knowledge of her status as a CIA agent since this whole story first broke. I actually noticed one of the inexplicably popular Yoostabee bloggers bringing up the Who’s Who canard as recently as a week or two ago. All of which brings us back to the Eternal Question–are they lying, or simply so stupid that it’s a wonder they manage to get up out of bed in the morning without hurting themselves?
We’ll find out how this all plays out soon enough. But one of the delights of watching it unfold has been the obvious extent to which Patrick Fitzgerald is umimpressed by–or, more accurately, oblivious to–the fantasy worlds of the right. Try to pretend that “everybody knew she was married to Joe Wilson” = “everybody knew she was a CIA agent”? Well, our wonderfully plodding prosecutor will send agents out to ask the neighbors if they did in fact know of her true employment. And as it turns out, they didn’t.
What an astonishing surprise.
Welcome back
Some good news from the Association of Alternative Newsweeklies:
Clancy and Margo DuBos always knew that Gambit Weekly would return. “There was never a nanosecond of doubt that we were coming back,” explains Clancy, who, along with his wife, is co-owner of the New Orleans alternative weekly that was devastated by Hurricane Katrina. “Never. Never.”
It’s easy to understand why. The couple have spent most of their adult lives working at the paper, where they began as employees in the early 1980s. By June of 1987, Margo had moved through the ranks to become Gambit’s publisher, and four years later, she and Clancy purchased the paper from Landmark Communications. Margo reflects on her first years at the then burgeoning weekly with fondness: “Everybody did everything and we loved it. We just thought it was so cool that we were doing this job that was so important. The [readers] appreciated another paper in the community and another voice.”
As Margo describes it, the initial years at Gambit were characterized by “a lot of needs and not a lot of people.” It took a great deal of tenacity and ingenuity to lift the paper to the level of success it maintained prior to that late August day when Katrina made landfall. But with nearly two and a half decades invested in the publication, even a catastrophic natural disaster would do little to discourage the DuBoses from returning to what had become their life’s work. “We’re about to celebrate our 25th anniversary [at the paper]. How could I work that hard and get the company where it is and walk away from that? It was just unfathomable to me to try and comprehend,” says Margo.
Hurricane Katrina may have left Gambit’s Mid-City office submerged under more than two feet of water, but on November 1, the award-winning paper will be back in print.
Here’s wishing them the best.