This should be self-explanatory. At any rate, guaranteed to be more accurate than the email from Iraq that Cliff May has been posting. Pretty much unedited, though I’ve deleted some specific name and place references just to keep this guy from getting shit for corresponding with an America hater like your host.
Hello Tom Tomorow/Dan Perkins,
It’s been a while since I last corresponded with you so allow me to give you a quick refresher on who I am. I was the Louisiana guardsman that served in the Superdome, lost his house in the flood, and then got sent off to Iraq …
You asked me if I would give you some periodic updates on what was going on here in Iraq. I must apoloigize for the lateness of my update as I have been here in country for over three months, but various circumstances intervened. The first of which being that the smartfilter our base employs will not allow me to access your webpage due to the “politics/opinion” nature of your content. I suppose it shouldn’t surprise you that that very same smartfilter has no problem allowing me to access the apparently opnion-free website of rushlimbaugh.com. Anyway, I finally got around to getting friends back home to hunt down your e-mail address so I fire off this message.
I should mention that my job here is not all that exciting. You may remember from my previous e-mail that in my civilian profession I am a high school history teacher. The military, in their infinite wisdom, decided to take advantage of those skills and put me in charge of the base education office at (name of base) in Iraq. Not that I’m complaining or anything, but I’m pretty much like a high school guidance counselor out here. I help the soldiers and airmen of —– Base get the off-duty education in line by setting them up with colleges and proctoring their exams. Anyway, I’m attaching the weekly updates that I’ve sent home to friends and family. Like I said, it’s not all that exciting since I’m stuck on base administering freshman English comp exams, but I try to bring the funny so it should, at a minimum, make an entertaining read. Enjoy!
*****
I just wanted to take some time to send out a mass e-mail and let everybody know that I’ve landed safely in Iraq. I’ve only been here a few days so I can’t tell you much except that it is GODDAM HOT! As in 125 degrees hot. You’d think spending summers in South Louisiana would have prepared me for such temperature extremes, but you’d be wrong. The heat over here is so oppressive it makes it an effort just to draw breath, and it pushes down on you until your whole body hurts. The closest approximation my sordid mind can envision would be like constantly being stuck between the ass cheeks of a sumo wrestler. On the upside, I work in an air-conditioned environment and thus only brave the heat for the long trek to the dining facility or the short trip to the Cadillac (portable shitters).
As for the living conditions, we are billeted in large tents that are subdivided into “rooms” by sheets and wall lockers. There are six men to a tent, and we have a foyer in the front of the tent with a couple of couches and a mini-fridge. The tents are also air-conditioned, but don’t do a very good job of holding on to the cool air. The only time it’s tolerable to spend time in them is in the evening and early morning. And of course, everything here is surrounded by large concrete barriers or towers of sandbags to protect us from flying shrapnel. I haven’t seen anything yet, but I was warned to be on the lookout when all of the Iraqi nationals that work in the cafeteria call in sick.
*****
So, how’s the food you ask? Well, imagine having a buffet of all of your favorite foods….from when you were in college. Want some Tony’s microwave pizza? We got you covered. Pre-cooked hamburger patties topped with guh-ment cheese? All you want. Chef Boyardee Ravioli? Take two ladlefuls. They even have the Sara Lee frozen cheesecake for desert. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not complaining. It’s certainly better than I would have expected, and every now and then they have something that’s actually pretty good (I had the fried scallops the other day, and they were quite tasty). It’s a pretty busy cafeteria since it serves not just Air Force personnel but Army, Navy, the Australian army, the Italian army, and all of the civilians that work for Halliburton. It’s a diverse mix of people and there’s always a good conversation close by to overhear. Allow me to share an excerpt of one from last week when I sat next to two army guys fresh from urban warfare.
Soldier #1: Say man, you know why they call ‘em bricks?
Soldier #2: nah man.
Soldier #1: ‘cause that shit hurts when they throw ‘em at us, man.
Soldier #2: Tru Dat.
A truly sublime exchange. This is now my favorite joke of all time. I’ve told it to everyone in my building, but I don’t think they appreciate the nuances like I do.
Now I’m going to have to channel Robin Williams from “Good Morning Vietnam” to explain this next story. Yesterday, we did NOT get incoming rocket fire around lunch time. While were NOT getting shelled, our newbie squadron commander was in the dining facility about a mile away from his helmet and body armor back in the staff office…which was no big deal because we definitely did NOT get bombed, remember?. Anyway, in response to the aforementioned non-bombing, Captain Pufnstuf informs us in our staff meeting today that we now have to have our helmet and body armor with us wherever we go and then bravely states that he will lead by example. I resist, with great effort, the urge to point out that he has a truck (with air-conditioning no less) which makes it rather easy to transport the fifty pounds of Kevlar to and fro. Those of us without bars on our collars will have to schlep it around on our shoulders in the 120 degree heat. I fear that this may have the rather unintended consequence of discouraging many of us from making the mile long trek to the chow hall. My only hope is that enough army guys will start to snicker behind our now bulletproof backs forcing the Captain to rescind his ridiculous request. Until then, it’s gonna be a desktop feast of Pringles and raisins for lunch. Whoo Hoo!
“We will understand and will not press you on the issue”
So Gerald Ford is dead. Of all the mainstream stories about him, I wonder how many will mention that he gave Indonesia a green light to invade East Timor on December 6, 1975? And that Indonesia eventually killed more than 200,000 Timorese? (Ford’s specific words to Indonesia’s ruler Suharto were: “We will understand and will not press you on the issue.”)
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess the number is zero.
In a letter to Chileans written to be published after his death, Gen. Augusto Pinochet said he wished he hadn’t had to stage the bloody 1973 coup that put him in power and called the abuses during his long rule inevitable…
The former dictator, who died Dec. 10 of heart failure at age 91, insisted that the military takeover avoided civil war and a Marxist dictatorship, and said his 1973-90 rule never had “an institutional plan” to abuse human rights.
“But it was necessary to act with maximum rigor to avoid a widening of the conflict,” Pinochet wrote…
“How I wish the Sept. 11, 1973, military action had not been necessary!” Pinochet wrote.
“Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants, it is the creed of slaves.”
—William Pitt, House of Commons, November 18, 1783
You have to give it a couple of minutes before the full-on weirdness begins, although for me Bing Crosby and Bob Crane sharing a stage is right up there with the Bing/Bowie video everyone always trots out this time of year. I almost hoped that John Banner, the actor who played Schultz, would toss in an “I hear nothing!” what with it being a Silent Night and all. No such luck, but it’s still pretty fabulous.
This is why baby Jesus made the YouTube. I’d have the video here for you to watch, but embedding has been turned off on this one for some reason. So click and enjoy your holiday just a little more.
WASHINGTON (CNN) — Eight Marines face criminal charges or administrative punishment in connection with the killings of Iraqi civilians in the northwestern city of Haditha in November 2005, the Marine Corps announced Thursday.
Marine Staff Sgt. Frank Wuterich will face 13 counts of murder. He will also face charges of making false statements to investigators and trying to persuade others to do the same, said his lawyer, Mark Zaid.
The attorneys for two other Marines said their clients have also been charged in the case.
Attorney Gary Myers told The Associated Press that Lance Cpl. Justin Sharratt faces one charge of murder involving unpremeditated killings of three men.
“Our view has been and continues to be that these are combat-related deaths,” AP quoted Myers as saying.
Attorney Jack Zimmerman said that Lance Cpl. Stephen Tatum also was charged in the case, but he did not reveal the charges.
Military officials said Monday that at least five enlisted Marines would face charges in the Haditha killings, and an unknown number of officers could face administrative punishments for their handling of the matter. Charges were to be announced at 4 p.m. ET Thursday at Camp Pendleton, California, where the unit is based.
Neal Puckett, another of Wuterich’s attorneys, said the sergeant faces 12 counts of unpremeditated murder against individuals and one count of the murder of six people “while engaged in an act inherently dangerous to others.” The maximum sentence on the charges would be life in prison, he said.
Wuterich was leading a patrol from Kilo Company of the 3rd Battalion, 1st Marine Regiment, through Haditha on November 19, 2005, when the unit was hit by a roadside bomb that killed one of its members.
Over at TPM, M.J. Rosenberg is giving me a serious case of deja vu :
I just watched Hillary Clinton on “the View.” And I realized something. Every time she lets go a little (like when she jogged into the room), she is very appealing.
Yeah, I remember thinking the exact same thing about Gore in 200 and Kerry in 2004. I’ve heard Republicans also say similar things about Dole in 1996. Which leads me to ask when are the Washington elite going to realize that Americans want a human being to lead them, not some talking-points shitting android who looks uncomfortable in his/her own skin?
Robots could one day demand the same citizen’s rights as humans, according to a study by the British government.
. . .
The paper which addresses Robo-rights, titled Utopian dream or rise of the machines? examines the developments in artificial intelligence and how this may impact on law and politics.
The paper says a “monumental shift” could occur if robots develop to the point where they can reproduce, improve themselves or develop artificial intelligence.
The research suggests that at some point in the next 20 to 50 years robots could be granted rights.
If this happened, the report says, the robots would have certain responsibilities such as voting, the obligation to pay taxes, and perhaps serving compulsory military service.
Personally, I think this is far-fetched. Not just for the standard “where the hell is my flying car?” reasons, but the fact that i don’t see artificial intelligence ever getting to that point. Unless specifically programmed, artificially intelligent machines will lack human traits such as greed, lust, jealousy, compassion, fear, sadness, and joy that motivate our actions much more than intelligence. The idea that AI’s evolution will evolve to the point where “sentient” machines would have the same needs and desires as human beings is fanciful. If anything, as AI evolves towards more human-like behaviors, we’ll probably just cross into the uncanny valley and never return. That is, unless some AI genius decides it’s a good idea to program their robots to bitch about their taxes and have crappy taste in music. In which case, I say we tax the hell out of those rusty, metallic welfare queens. Get a job, IG-88!
I hope that my liblogging buddies are finally waking up to this dreadful reality [of Iraq], but just in case they’re still dreaming sweet dreams about all the wonderful things the Dems are going to deliver in ‘07, and especially in ‘08, allow me to raise my voice for a moment.
ATTENTION MULES! THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY IS A PARTY OF WAR, DESTRUCTION AND GREED! THEY WANT TO USE YOUR KIDS AS FODDER FOR THEIR BLOODSHED! AND THERE IS NO END IN SIGHT! OBAMA WILL NOT SAVE YOU! SO WAKE THE FUCK UP, GET OFF YOUR ASS, AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
Sorry about that. Generally, I’m an easy going guy. But with a ten-year-old son, soon to turn 11, to think about, and watching these criminals plan for more chaos and agony, expecting my boy to sign on, I tend to come unhinged. And I trust this will become worse as the years drag on.
2. The Nation has published a fantastic article by Mohamed Bazzi about the usually-overlooked ways the civil conflict in Lebanon is based in class (via Sam Husseini):
Ever since Hezbollah and its allies began an open-ended protest against the US-backed government on December 1, Beirut’s gilded downtown–built for wealthy Lebanese and foreign tourists–has become more authentically Lebanese. Where Persian Gulf sheiks once ate sushi, families now sit in abandoned parking lots, having impromptu picnics, the smell of kebabs cooked over coals wafting through the air. Young men lounge on plastic chairs, smoking apple-scented water pipes, and occasionally break out into debke, the Lebanese national dance.
3. I’ve mentioned previously the whistleblowing WMD testimony of Carne Ross, former First Secretary in Britain’s Mission to the UN. But also fascinating is a piece he wrote last year for the Financial Times; it’s one of the most sensitive and intelligent accounts I’ve ever seen of how governments deceive themselves and others.
Short of reinstating involuntary conscription, I mean:
WASHINGTON, Dec. 19 — President Bush said Tuesday that the United States should expand the size of its armed forces, acknowledging that the military had been strained by the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and would need to grow to cope with what he suggested would be a long battle against Islamic extremism.
“I’m inclined to believe it’s important and necessary to do,” Mr. Bush said. He said this was an “accurate reflection that this ideological war we’re in is going to last for a while, and that we’re going to need a military that’s capable of being able to sustain our efforts and help us achieve peace.”
These guys don’t just make me laugh; sometimes I want to applaud. And I’ve seen a lot of this stuff, some of which has appeared in the New Yorker or the Village Voice or SNL’s Weekend Update. But lots of it never got published. Thus the title, I presume, understandable to anyone who has to fight every damn day to get the funny out: Our Kampf.
If you’d like to read a sample, I’d suggest this Voice piece called “Why The _____s Hate The _____s: A Guide to All Ethnic and Religious Strife Through Human History.” After which, I believe you may just Kampf it up.
(If you really need an actual physical object delivered into somebody’s hands, there are still more gift ideas here. Including Handbasket and Trebekistan. There, I mentioned them one last time. But you’ve only got, like, today and tomorrow left.)
